Rollercoaster

Today, I broke down. I saw Rem in too much pain - both back and left foot. He had tears, which I immediately took as pain he could not handle. I panicked and cried. Bad move on my part. I scared Rem even more.

At that time, I just felt that his spasms are getting worse, although Uncle Sam reminded us that movement is better for his legs ("The legs are trying to find a connection to his brain."). I did not understand the difference between spasms and voluntary movements. Jeff explained it to me over and over again, but still, I thought negatively, that the movement was a bad thing for Rem.

I called Sterling, crying. He might have asked Jeff to put some sense into me (which I think he really did!). Jeff told me that I am the integral part of this whole situation:

"Your brother, your mom, your family and Sterling depend on you. You have to be strong for them. This is going to be a long road. If your brother is like that for a year, will you be like that for a year - When it's good days for Rem, you're happy; when it's bad days for Rem, you'll cry like crazy! You'll affect everybody - your family, your relationship with Sterling and your friends. If you cannot be that strong person, then just tell me. We will find someone to fill it in. Think about it tonight."

How can this not pierce my heart and make me think?

*I need more prayers. Sometimes, I catch myself giving up.